Okay, now that I have an official diagnosis, why is it taking so long to form a constructive response, a clear definition, or a reasonable expectation? "Every case is different"--I've heard that so many times by now that its unavoidable truth no longer satisfies me. While I have found a person or two who appears to be supportive of constructive resolution of my challenges, the general demand in this area is astonishingly large, resulting in answers such as "Considering all of the other clients whom I need to see, the next time I can meet with you is three weeks from Thursday." Yet autism is a very constant and daily experience. What do I do in the meantime?
When nothing makes any sense, I get up in the morning trying to imagine something--anything, even just one thing--that I can do today that will somehow move me and my life in a positive direction. If I can accomplish at least that one thing today, then I know I will conclude the day with a sense of contentment--that somehow in spite of all the chaos in the world, there is a sense in which things are okay and I will consequently be able to get a good night's rest.
Unfortunately it's been a while since I've been able to do that. Everything seems to be spinning all around me, like Dorothy riding on her bed within her bedroom as the tornado carried her to Oz--just waiting for everything to stop spinning so she could begin to figure out where she was, who her friends are now, and what path to follow in order to re-establish a sense of home. Perhaps in some way or another we all long for home; to be surrounded by a sense of family and a certain minimum amount of familiarity, from which to make our own unique creative contributions to the world around us.
I guess the things that I try to remember to cope within such moments are that no tornado lasts forever (they all come to an end at some point); there is always something which follows (the world doesn't end); and there is always a way for me to respond or something I can contribute to that which follows (I am not simply a victim of circumstances). More concisely, I remain unavoidably in relationship to the frequently mysterious unfolding of my own life. While I can only build the bridge halfway (inescapably relying upon others to build the other half), I do have to make sure that I have done a good job building my half of the bridge. That will ultimately and genuinely be my life's work, even if--for now--I don't exactly know what that is. And so I wait; eager and restless to begin.