Individuality that is honestly Inescapable

It now seems in retrospect that everyone recognized from the very beginning that I was an absolutely unique individual. Unfortunately, no one--not even me--knew what to do with that and I have never done very well with the "throw him in, sink or swim" approach to educational challenges (usually I just drown).  

The more I read, however, the more it seems that this same challenge is going to follow me into present and future interactions with others within the world of autism. I'm discovering an ever broader and ever more confusing spectrum of responses to the basic question of what autism is and how it is defined.  A great many sources, for example, seem to assert that autism means less emotional expression and connection.  I think I'm deeply engaged with my emotions, but they are more often oriented around environments and experiences than around people.  Does that mean I'm not autistic after all?  

One person recently expressed doubt that I have high-functioning autism because I'm often "too eloquent" within my writing and speech.  I do verifiably tend to interpret language too literally, however, and often don't understand jokes that people tell--similar to the way I find the old slapstick comedy of the three stooges horrifying to watch, always being more concerned about whether or to what extent someone might have gotten hurt by the imitations of violence being displayed.  All of which is only complicated even further by the discovery that I'm gay.

As a minority within a minority, my isolation is really quite logical.  A corresponding ongoing struggle, however, is convincing myself each day that suicide is not (logical).  I don't think it's necessary to repeat that finding one's place or finding a way to fit in, is a struggle that nearly everyone faces; that the assertion that "there's no place within this world for me" is always based upon limited perception and knowledge.  There are frequently a thousand other options which remain invisible only because of the assumptions and biases that shape our individual perceptions.  Additionally, the general encouragement to make a place for one's self when such a place doesn't already exist, is of course easier said than done.  

For myself at least, a primary way of creating the strength to persevere, is to remember the many artists, philosophers, free thinkers, and anomalous persons within other times of human history, whose success came later in life.  Had they not refused to give up, however, their accomplishments would never have happened at all.  A principle essential ingredient of life, therefore, is faith--at the very least in the tentative existence of one's future accomplishments.  

So every day I try to remember, "Whatever challenges today includes, I need to get through them somehow, if I am ever to see and to participate in the beauty that resides within tomorrow."  

Views: 83

Comment by brenda on January 20, 2013 at 8:27pm

Denver,

I really like your last statement, and that is what tends to shine from you, when I have read your posts, and also in chat.

You do strike me as a person with inner strength, and an ability to see ahead, and to persevere.

I just found an interesting book,.at the grocery store, and have started reading, it's called, The Gifts of Imperfection, by Brene Brown, Phd., L.M.S.W., who is a professor at the Houston Gradiuate College of Social mWork. What interested me was the book seems based on research by someone who seems to be a solid professional, and the idea that embracing imperfectionism is a way to engage, and find one's worthiness.

This seems to me quite what you are doing in your present task of looking into a possible diagnosis. Really what you are undertaking is very difficult, and as well sort of like embracing  imperfectionism. Sharing one's hurt isn't easy, but I also believe can be a way of healing the hurt.

Please be good to yourself, and take time to jog with your dogs, and do other things you find enjoyable.

I do think there is also some wisdom, in the saying, "This too will pass".

I am finding your writing helpful, and I truly believe that you will be able to do alot of good in this world, through your work.

Brenda

Comment by brenda on January 23, 2013 at 11:18pm

Hi, Denver,

I just want to check in and see how things are going for you.

If you are able, could you sign in to the chat room either this evening, or in the next few days. I will check and see if you're able to chat.

Thank you,

Brenda

Comment by Denver NeVaar on January 24, 2013 at 3:02pm
I'm currently between testing and discussion of the results, so I'm having a difficult time concentrating on anything or having a sense of in which direction my life is going. The discussion of the results of the testing happens tomorrow (Friday) evening at 5:30 p.m., however, so hopefully much better things will follow.
Comment by brenda on January 24, 2013 at 9:33pm
Thank you for letting me know Denver. I'll look for you in a few days.
Brenda
Comment by brenda on January 26, 2013 at 9:49am

Hey, Denver, I just want to thank you for telling me about Brother Sun Sister Moon. I managed to find some Youtube videos of the songs, which also had glimpses of the actual film. What a delightful film, and music. The scenery as well is absolutely breathtaking.

Thanks. Have a good day.

Brenda

Comment by Denver NeVaar on January 26, 2013 at 10:10am

You're quite welcome.  I encourage you to find a way to see the movie in its entirety, however, because every scene has the ability to inspire deep reflection upon many important spiritual and social dynamics and a wide variety of opinions and conclusions within the minds of viewers.  

Comment by Denver NeVaar on January 26, 2013 at 10:13am

In case I forgot to mention it, my second meeting with a clinical psychologist yesterday went basically very well and concluded the testing phase, but diagnostic conclusions might not be available until a third meeting scheduled for next Thursday.  Sigh.  Almost there; just have to hold on a little longer and hope that the next meeting really does bring the clarity I've been seeking for such a very long time.  

Comment by brenda on January 27, 2013 at 12:55pm

Denver,

I was able to watch Brother Sun Sister Moon, last evening, by downloading it from Youtube.

What a brilliantly filmed movie, shimmering with beauty!

The music is perfectly attuned to the film.

I plan to watch it again now and then.

(The scene with the pope was indeed interesting, and it was sad how his advisors quickly encased him in his golden mantle, as if in a prison.)

Wishing you a good day.

Brenda

Comment by Denver NeVaar on January 27, 2013 at 1:32pm

Yes, that particular scene was brilliantly staged and directed, even to Francis extending his arms and looking terribly distraught, as if wanting to rescue the pope, as he saw him being pulled back into the confines of his role.  

Comment by brenda on January 31, 2013 at 11:46pm
Hi, Denver, how are things going?
It's looking like a go for Monday evening for a support meeting in the chat room.
I hope all went well at your meeting with the psychologist.
Brenda

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